Content Warning: Per the post’s title, I will talk about Sexual Assault because today is the last Monday in April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
First, a few stats:
An estimated 91% of victims of rape & sexual assault are female and 9% male. Nearly 99% of perpetrators are male.
82% of all juvenile victims are female. 90% of adult rape victims are female.
1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed, 2.8% attempted).
About 3% of American men—or 1 in 33—have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.
Of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 93% of juvenile victims knew the perpetrator:
59% were acquaintances
34% were family members
7% were strangers to the victim
42% of gay, lesbian and bisexual university students in one sample reported they had been forced to have sex against their will compared to 21% of heterosexual students in the same study.
While 80% of reported rapes are against white women, minorities are more likely to be assaulted. Rates of rape: White-17.7%, Black: 18.8%, Asian/Pacific Islander-6.8%, American Indian/Alaskan Women-34.1%, Mixed Race-24.4%. The stats for non-whites are probably low, since barriers to reporting would be increased for women of color.
American Indian women are the only ethnic group more likely to be assaulted by a male outside their own ethnicity.
One study reveals that within a large PWI, less than 1% of reports received by Title IX offices result in sanctioning perpetrators.
In jail or prison, 60% of all sexual violence against inmates is perpetrated by the institution’s staff.
Sexual assault is about power over others.
Let’s be clear that sexual assault is defined in one way: a lack of consent. That’s it. If someone doesn’t fully, clearly, and enthusiastically consent, it’s assault.
According to RAINN (Rape, abuse, and incest national network):
Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both you and your partner to understand and respect each other’s boundaries.
Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given.
Wielding power over others takes all forms, whether with violence or with niceties. Sexual assault is not always painful force, like with kicking or punching, nor is it committed by a stranger in dark alleys or drunken clubs. Most often, it is done by someone you know and trust. It can be subtle, an intentional brush of the hand. It can be sudden, an unexpected grab. It can be putting someone in a position in which it’s risky or uncomfortable to say no. All of it is violence.
The force is not always physical. It’s emotional, too. Coerced consent is assault. That means, if you manipulate someone to say yes who wouldn’t have otherwise done so, it’s assault. It also means that a whole lot of people are walking around with sexual trauma and don’t even know it. Socially, we’ve been fed the lie that sexual assault only happens when a scary man jumps out of the bushes and holds you down, when in reality, you’re more likely to be assaulted by an acquaintance, leader, friend, or partner.
What consent DOESN’T look like, according to RAINN:
Refusing to acknowledge “no”
A partner who is disengaged, nonresponsive, or visibly upset
Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more
Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state
Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol
Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past
Some of these examples point to matters of coerced consent, which is also sexual assault.
What does coercion look like?
Quid pro quo: This is the easy one. This is when the perpetrator says, “I’ll give you a raise, grade, job, etc. if you sleep with me,” or, “I won’t give you a raise, grade, job, etc. unless you sleep with me.” It’s obvious, right? This is coercion. However, most coercion isn’t so straightforward. Abusers are usually more manipulative than that.
Intimidation: Perpetrators use subtleties of intimidation to manipulate the victim-survivor. The perpetrator often is in a position of authority over the survivor, whether socially or professionally. If so, she may admire him. Certainly, she likely is trusting of him. The nature of that authority creates a precarious dynamic if he makes a suggestion or request of any kind. She might be reticent to say no. To intimidate her, he may use a direct threat like in quid pro quo, or he may be subtle, like towering over her physically, raising his voice, leaning toward her, or subtly reminding her of his status over her. Intimidation coerces her into submission.
Isolation: Isolation most often happens when the perpetrator befriends the survivor’s friends and others important to her. Doing so makes her feel alone in her experience with the perpetrator. Perpetrators often do not treat others the same way as he treats the target so that it will be easier to operate under the guise that she’s crazy if she confronts him. She will question herself and will risk being ostracized if she speaks out. Isolation can also happen if the perpetrator puts the target in a situation in which she doesn’t know anyone. He can get away with sexual misconduct because she’ll have no one to turn to. He was her safe person. Isolation behaviors coerce the survivor to remain silent.
Lovebombs: Persistently sending love notes works to lure someone into agreement. But also, it’s endearing to receive compliments from someone in power, especially when someone does not have a healthy sense of self-love or who has experienced a lifetime of believing she is bad or wrong.
Boundary Crossing: The perpetrator acts coercively when he gradually tests the survivor’s boundaries in escalated increments. Women are more likely to honor someone else’s “no,” while men are socialized to never take no for an answer. When men are persistent, they can threaten the woman on a subconscious level. It’s risky to hold your boundary, especially when a man has communicated that he is willing to cross yours. This is coercive because his refusal to take no for an answer increases the likelihood that he can get away with more over time.
Indebtedness: The perpetrator might coerce the survivor by imposing a sense of indebtedness onto her. He may give her things, whether material gifts or compliments. She may want or feel the need to reciprocate the gesture, even a subconscious obligation to return a compliment because of social convention. Plus, it can be uncomfortable not to reciprocate or say no to someone in a position of power.
Targeting vulnerabilities: The perpetrator focuses on the victim’s insecurities using compliments. He supports the victim’s specific goals, desires, or aspirations. He builds the connection around the victim’s prized, special, or sacred parts of their life. He takes advantage of a her “weaknesses,” including her socialization to particular behaviors, like being nice, forgiving, and non-confrontational.
Deflecting blame: In stories of sexual assault cases, men, their defense attorneys, and the adjudicators deflect blame onto the woman to coerce her into taking responsibility for what he did to her. Of course, this includes blaming a woman for what she was wearing, the fact that she was having a good time, the fact that she was drinking, the fact that she didn't run and ask for help, the fact that she didn’t stand up to him, and more. Defecting blame also looks like: A perpetrator apologizing for his assault, but then saying, “It’s just that I think you’re so beautiful.” The apology makes him appear to be a good guy, and the compliment communicates to her that it’s her fault. In this discursive move, he doesn’t take actual responsibility for his actions. Deflecting blame also might include describing the survivor as forward. Even if she was friendly or flirty, that does not mean a man gets to force himself onto her sexually. As with trauma survivors of all kinds of trauma, she’ll feel guilty after the assault. Even trauma bystanders like eyewitness to a fatal car accident experience guilt, so of course victims of sexual assault would, too. Perpetrators use that normal, natural human trauma response to suggest that she feels guilty because she did something wrong. They can take advantage of her guilt by making her believe it was her fault or that she did want it. Deflecting blame is a way he can coerce into future sexual encounters because he planted the seed of doubt in her mind about what happened.
Contrived emotional connection: The perpetrator will coerce the victim into a relationship by establishing an emotional bond. This includes choosing topics of conversation that evoke an emotional response in their victims (e.g., showing extra care when the target is grieving). He may also talk about his own emotional pain to lure care from the victim and to build a sense of a close, deep relationship. He may espouse strong feelings toward the victim. She develops variations of a trauma bond. He likely will elevate her sense of importance. The victim is led to believe that she is needed and is very special to the perpetrator. She feels that she is a significant, necessary, and valued person in the perpetrator’s life.
Coerced by Culture
Girls and women are regularly coerced by their social environments. Everything from male hero narratives, to the idea that God is an external male authority who saves you, to messages that women should be nice and never upset anyone, to purity mandates saying that women have to keep men from sinning is socialization into a world in which male coercion is not only normal, but encouraged. Socialization into these beliefs creates the perfect conditions for sexual assault.
Rape myths are perpetuated in order to “deny and justify male sexual aggression against women.” They typically include narratives like: “women ask for it,” “women make false accusations,” “rape does not happen within committed partnerships,” “women are emotionally unstable,” or “strong women aren’t raped.” These and other myths are pervasive within many sectors, whether legal, religious, or educational institutions.
Christian purity culture reinforces these myths because within it, sexual purity isn’t about consent; it’s about following rules and obeying authority (who are men). Purity culture creates trauma by suggesting that women are responsible for men’s behaviors and overall wellness. Within it, people give explicit mandates saying that women have to regulate men’s “insatiable” sex drive. Each of these social practices maintains men’s position of authority and skepticism of women’s experiences.
The message of compulsory abstinence evades the importance of consent. Compulsory abstinence communicates that people’s bodies are not their own, nor that people have the right to autonomy. Compulsory abstinence is still compulsory (forced) sex because it denies a person’s free will over themselves. Compulsory abstinence takes away a person’s autonomy and places that power in something external to them, in authority, which in my case was in the rules and in men. Thus within purity culture consent is not something people learn how to give or request, which makes people, especially women, significantly susceptible to sex without clear consent: assault. Because purity messages tell girls and women to take responsibility for men’s actions, purity culture supports rape culture.
Sure, a woman might eventually agree to sex. Say yes, even. She might convince herself she’s in love when really she’s in a state of intensified emotions from the trauma of sexual assault. So before you throw that stone, perhaps consider how male dominance factors into the situation. Ask about assault. Ask about coercion. Ask about codependency. Ask about trauma. Ask about coping mechanisms. Ask about her lifetime of messages that told her she shouldn’t have agency, but men should and do. Ask about that God she believed in, the external male one, whom she had to please and who would punish her if she didn’t do what he wanted her to do. And if she comes forward about her experiences, given all of the hostility she’s already faced and is willing to continue to face so that the truth can be revealed, believe her.